Weekly Checkup

Well, it's been a week of changes and challanges. I did pretty well with my new rules/goals. I allowed myself one small dessert each day and greatly reduced my fat content in all other meals and snacks. I exercised a few times and avoided fast food. I lost 2 pounds and I do feel more energy (or less exhaustion). The cravings haven't been too bad so far. I used a rubber band on my wrist to snap them away. It's a behavior modification technique I picked up somewhere. ( I think smokers use it.) My only problem, really, has been the emotional/depression issue. I have had some pretty big mood swings that were hard to deal with. Again, I feel that it is because I am used to self-medicating my depression with food. I incubate myself from any problems or disturbances with comfort food. Feeling things so strongly is difficult (and this has just been a normal week, with no extreme stressors). I need to get some input/suggestions on this isssue. It appears that the two biggest issues in my life - weight and depression - are highly interrelated.

Shopping Adventures

So - I went grocery shopping today. I think I spent 10 minutes looking at bread labels to find the one with the most fiber and least fat grams. Now I just hope it doesn't taste like cardboard! Then I spent another chunk of time looking for 'fake' butter. Guess what - there is no low-fat butter. It's all 100% fat and 5-8 grams per tablespoon. Of course, if you read the front of the package, they are all 'healthy-conscious', 'heart-friendly', and 'lite'. Talk about false advertising. After scouring the rest of the aisles for snacks in my 30% fat calory range, I then entered a foreign land - the fresh fruit and vegetable area. I usually speed through this area on my way to the checkout. Now it was time to actually stop, look, and choose some of those weird foods. Now I have to admit that I admired the colors and variety, but I felt pretty dumb when I realized I had no idea how to pick out an apple. Of course, I know to avoid bruises, but that's it. Oh, well, grab a few and hope for the best. Then I got a bag of oranges and headed back to familiar territory. Maybe next time, I'll try out some of those unknown vegetables. =) When I got to the checkout with my cart full of food I was surprised at the total. It was LESS than usual. Maybe healthy food is cheaper!

Small Victories

Today I ate an orange at lunch! I even wanted and enjoyed it!! I don't remember the last time I ate an entire orange. (I know that is pitiful.) I also had fewer cravings today, and I think I'm starting to have a tiny bit more energy. Hooray. It's a start.

Sugar Coated Emotions.

Have you ever wondered why people on diets are grumpy? Well, I had a revelation today. It is not because we are enduring cravings (which we are). It is because we, or at least I, are used to burying our emotions with food. I am so used to being comforted by a cloud of sugar, that I am amazed at the intensity of my emotions without it.

I was assaulted by anger this morning... anger at the lady I have to face at school who was spreading lies about me last week... anger at my husband over a misunderstanding ... anger at the dr who has postponed my appointment for 2 months even though I told her I need my depression meds changed.... This is worse than PMS. Who is this angry person? What do normal people do with these emotions? O

n a humorous note - I sound like Data with his emotion chip - turn it off, I can't deal! Maybe humor is part of the answer. When I talked to my hubby this morning, he made me laugh and it dispelled the tiff I had with him. Hmmm... maybe laughter is the best medicine.

Stinking Thinking

I have been successful at loosing weight several times in the past. There were various 'road blocks' that sent me back to square one. One of them was "stinking thinking". It goes like this:

Why do I have to do this?
It's not fair - other people can eat what they want.
I want what I want when I want it!
It's hopeless, I can't do this.

I need to defeat these negative thoughts before they have a chance to grow and fester.
Here's the big one: It's not fair!
OK, Jackie, guess what - life is not fair. You have the genetics you were given, the habits you developed, and the desires you have to deal with. You can mope about it and continue to self-destruct with food or you can make healthy choices and enjoy a new life. What's it going to be?

Wow - I needed that. Time to move on one positive choice at a time.

New Rules

So, I know myself well enough to know that I can't just grab a recipe book and jump into a low-fat eating lifestyle 'cold turkey'. I've decided to warm up with a few new rules.

First of all - no more fast food. Eliminating the weekly trip to McD's etc. will cut out a lot of grease. Now- how to make it happen. I usually send the hubby to a burger place for our dinner on nights I am too stressed/worn out to cook. Solution - cook ahead and freeze some easy meals.

Second - back to 2% milk for me and the girls.

Third - Find snacks that are under 30% fat so I have healthy alternatives when I go to raid the kitchen.

Fourth - Cut down to 1 pop a day. That means drinking more water.

Fifth - how to deal with pizza Fridays - add a salad or talk the hubby into spaghetti instead

Sixth - find time for exercise (oh, and desire/motivation)

That's my starter plan. I am also reading a few books to get motivated and educated. =)


oh and don't forget whole grain bread. yum

So, after a week of intense abdominal and back pain, the dr says I have a 'fatty liver' and need to go on a low-fat diet.

I have many reasons to improve my health: 2 amazing little girls who need a mommy with energy, a husband who deserves a life-mate who embraces life, my own desire to not feel miserable all the time, ...

However, I have lots of things holding me back: 38 years of poor eating habits, depression that feeds my emotional eating habits, sugar addiction, ....

So, I am at a crossroads. I want to follow the road to health. I have tried so many times before, but keep ending up back here. I am starting this journal mainly to express my thoughts and keep myself accountable. I am hoping to find friends and prayer support as well.