I'm not going back.

OK- truth time. I've gained back 4 pounds. It started as a plateau that moved into maintaining for a few months. I was ok with that since school started and I was happy with the progress I had made so far. Getting lots of attention and positive comments from peers and co-workers helped too. Then came exceptions, modifications (the wrong ones going back to old habits) here and there, and at least 2 major binges. So, here I am headed in the wrong direction and I can't deny it as I look at the scale.

So - what is the plan?

First of all - I am NOT going back!
So - I'm going to gather my resources - ie this blog (writing in it and re-reading what I wrote before) and all the folks who lovingly supported me through the early months of my lifestyle changes. Then I lovingly let the new me kick the old me back into submission!

What would a healty eater do?

Wow - it's been awhile since my last blog. Quick update - I am now at 21 pounds lost and I got to buy new clothes! It is fun shopping for smaller sizes!!!

On the down side, I had a run in with one of my roadblocks today. I got a cold... sniffles, sore throat, etc. When I'm sick nothing feels better on my throat than pop (carbonation I guess) and nothing tastes right except sugar. This morning I went to school when I wanted to stay curled up in bed. I armed myself with cold medicine, cough drops, Diet Coke, and a Milky Way. This is how I deal with being sick. This is the old me. However, I don't know the answer to this question:

-What would the new me do?

I don't have the tools, habits, ideas I need especially when I feel so lousy.

So, friends, tell me - what does a thin/healthy person do?

Another shopping adventure.

So... I've gotten better at finding the low-fat food supplies I need. I even feel relatively comfortable in the fruit and veggie section (though I do not recognize nearly all the items there). Today I discovered that some things are still a mystery to me. I have a few recipes that call for barley so I put it on my list and headed to the store. I first looked near the oats - they are both grains, right? No luck. Then I went to the rice isle - another strike out. Finally, after checking all the foreign food areas, I was ready to checkout without my barley. Then it hit me - barley soup- maybe it was in the soup isle. Ta-da - on the bottom shelf under the cans of soup was a box of barley. What an adventure!

I did it!!!!!!!!

Today I reached my second weight goal. I have lost 14 pounds total putting me at my pre-baby weight! I am soooooo happy!!!

Having my step-mom visit for a week really helped. She showed me a lot about cooking and shopping. Plus, just having someone to model good eating habits got me back on track. I am thankful to her. We spent some time cooking things for me to put in the freezer for easy, healthy meals later.

I continued the cook and freeze project after she left. Yesterday I made a box mix of rice and beans adding some veggies and brown rice to it. I made enough to have lunch today and freeze 4 servings for later.

Today I'm making a low fat version of potatoes augratin, turkey, and steamed snap peas for dinner. I plan to add corn for the family, but hope they will eat the turkey and potatoes. Wish me luck. =)

Backsliding... =(

So, it's been 7 weeeks since I started this blog. I didn't realize it was that long. I've lost 10 pounds total. I'm actually pretty happy with that progress. It would have been closer to 14 pounds, but I stalled on 2 different weeks.

Now, it's confession time. I've been on summer vacation for 2 weeks, and it's a LOT harder to eat healthy when I'm home all day. (In fact I gained back a pound this week.) Those veggies just don't look as appealing in a kitchen full of other foods. This is a big roadblock for me. It's not like I'm downing cookies and icecream all day - it's just a snack here and an exception there. I guess it's time to monitor my food more closely. I think I need to keep a food journal for awhile.

Any other suggestions, my friends?

I'm NOT crazy...

... according to my doctor, there is a connection between my cutting way back on fat in my diet and my psycho mood swings. He recommended adding back in some of the 'good' fats which will actually help heal my liver. Also, he suggested vitamin D and, of course, exercise. Overall, he was very happy with the changes I have been making. Yay me!

Emotions...again

Well, I'm back on track with the eating and lost another pound already this week.


However, my BIG nemisis is back in action. Depression has been hitting me hard. I've especially been having problems with anger which is not the norm for me. I call it PMS on TNT. Then there are the self-esteem issues, and a great big helping of escape desire. Since I have not been turning to food (a huge deal!), my body has been craving sleep and trying to shut down. I'm going to get with my dr and see what adjustments we can make to my meds. Plus summer vacation is just around the corner which will be a relief from school stress. I just hope my poor family can hang in there with my mood swings. =s

Grrr...plateau

Well, last week I hit 6 pounds total weight lost. This week - nada. Now I know some plateaus are normal and part of the process, but I am pretty sure I caused this one.

I hit 2 speedbumps this week. One was 'making exceptions'. The other was getting sick. I knew these things would be problems as they have derailed my attempts in the past. Now I have to figure out strategies to overcome them.

Sat. I ate a breakfast bowl thing I had in the freezer. I didn't do it to abandon my diet. I just figured since I already bought it, might as well eat it. No sense wasting food. Another day I had some regular icecream instead of frozen yogurt. Just once couldn't hurt. Then I got sick, and nothing tastes right except sugar when I'm sick. David made cookies, and I had 2 instead of the 1 I had allowed myself before. Oh, and I had 2 the next day. Oops. No wonder I didn't loose weight this week.

Ok first of all I need to look at my not wanting to waste food and eating it just because it's there. I need to remember that it's going to waste on my hips too. So, I'm going to get rid of the food that I don't want to eat anymore that no one else in the family eats. (The stuff David and the girls like I can't get rid of just yet.)

Tougher problem. What to do when I'm sick and want comfort food. Suggestions my friends....

And lastly - beware of making exceptions. It's a slippery slope that ends in a plateau. (nice metaphor, huh?)

What I have learned... (think Veggie tales tune)

Let's see:

grain breads are good

'fake butter' in a squirt bottle is great stuff. It tastes good on corn on the cob and it can be used to make grilled chees. Now, I don't believe it has 0 fat grams so I pretend it's 1 gram for 5 squirts.

Fat-free cheese doesn't melt and tastes like plastic (it probably is) =S However, real cheese with squirt butter and grain bread and a handful of chex mix is still within the fat gram allotment for dinner.

McDonald's does not have an unbreaded chicken sandwich. (At least the one at our Walmart doesn't) My poor husband tried to get one for me when he was bringing home supper the other day. They offered to take the bun off - hardly the same thing!

I like manderine oranges - they call them "Little Cuteys" and I've actually eaten a half a bag of them in the last week.

Guess that's all for now - please send me all your low-fat tips. =)

Weekly Update

Alright - I met my first weight loss goal of 4 pounds gone! I know it's not much, but it was my first goal because that's how much I had gained this school year. The next goal is pre-baby weight which is 10 more pounds away. 'Small steps' is my motto.

I've been reading a book called One Meal at a Time. As the title suggests it talks about taking a week to work on getting the fat out of each meal . I read the whole thing, but when I get frustrated, I remind myself that I am only on week 2 and I do pretty much have breakfast and lunch mastered. I'm still working on adjusting dinner. It's more difficult since it involves the whole family and all of our tastes, preferences, and habits. The book also gives a daily fat gram recomendation as opposed to the 30% guideline I got from another book. That is more challanging since I can't just chow down on a box of chex mix. I have to start looking at portion control. Some days that's easier than others.

Well, I have a long way to go, but I'm on the road to recovery.

Minor Victory

Well, I came home today very edgy and overwhelmed about a situation at work.

Did I turn to my old tranquilizer food? Yes =s

Did I eat the 2 Milky Ways and quart of icecream I wanted? NO =-)

I had 3 granola bars and a handful of Teddy Grahams (all under my 30% fat limit) for a total of 11 fat grams.

I don't call that great, but it is a HUGE improvement over my past behavior.

oops

OK - not in the mood for true confessions, but let's just say weekends and holidays make eating healthy more challanging. Ah well, put it on my to do list - figure out how to eat healthy in these situations.

Weekly Checkup

Well, it's been a week of changes and challanges. I did pretty well with my new rules/goals. I allowed myself one small dessert each day and greatly reduced my fat content in all other meals and snacks. I exercised a few times and avoided fast food. I lost 2 pounds and I do feel more energy (or less exhaustion). The cravings haven't been too bad so far. I used a rubber band on my wrist to snap them away. It's a behavior modification technique I picked up somewhere. ( I think smokers use it.) My only problem, really, has been the emotional/depression issue. I have had some pretty big mood swings that were hard to deal with. Again, I feel that it is because I am used to self-medicating my depression with food. I incubate myself from any problems or disturbances with comfort food. Feeling things so strongly is difficult (and this has just been a normal week, with no extreme stressors). I need to get some input/suggestions on this isssue. It appears that the two biggest issues in my life - weight and depression - are highly interrelated.

Shopping Adventures

So - I went grocery shopping today. I think I spent 10 minutes looking at bread labels to find the one with the most fiber and least fat grams. Now I just hope it doesn't taste like cardboard! Then I spent another chunk of time looking for 'fake' butter. Guess what - there is no low-fat butter. It's all 100% fat and 5-8 grams per tablespoon. Of course, if you read the front of the package, they are all 'healthy-conscious', 'heart-friendly', and 'lite'. Talk about false advertising. After scouring the rest of the aisles for snacks in my 30% fat calory range, I then entered a foreign land - the fresh fruit and vegetable area. I usually speed through this area on my way to the checkout. Now it was time to actually stop, look, and choose some of those weird foods. Now I have to admit that I admired the colors and variety, but I felt pretty dumb when I realized I had no idea how to pick out an apple. Of course, I know to avoid bruises, but that's it. Oh, well, grab a few and hope for the best. Then I got a bag of oranges and headed back to familiar territory. Maybe next time, I'll try out some of those unknown vegetables. =) When I got to the checkout with my cart full of food I was surprised at the total. It was LESS than usual. Maybe healthy food is cheaper!

Small Victories

Today I ate an orange at lunch! I even wanted and enjoyed it!! I don't remember the last time I ate an entire orange. (I know that is pitiful.) I also had fewer cravings today, and I think I'm starting to have a tiny bit more energy. Hooray. It's a start.

Sugar Coated Emotions.

Have you ever wondered why people on diets are grumpy? Well, I had a revelation today. It is not because we are enduring cravings (which we are). It is because we, or at least I, are used to burying our emotions with food. I am so used to being comforted by a cloud of sugar, that I am amazed at the intensity of my emotions without it.

I was assaulted by anger this morning... anger at the lady I have to face at school who was spreading lies about me last week... anger at my husband over a misunderstanding ... anger at the dr who has postponed my appointment for 2 months even though I told her I need my depression meds changed.... This is worse than PMS. Who is this angry person? What do normal people do with these emotions? O

n a humorous note - I sound like Data with his emotion chip - turn it off, I can't deal! Maybe humor is part of the answer. When I talked to my hubby this morning, he made me laugh and it dispelled the tiff I had with him. Hmmm... maybe laughter is the best medicine.

Stinking Thinking

I have been successful at loosing weight several times in the past. There were various 'road blocks' that sent me back to square one. One of them was "stinking thinking". It goes like this:

Why do I have to do this?
It's not fair - other people can eat what they want.
I want what I want when I want it!
It's hopeless, I can't do this.

I need to defeat these negative thoughts before they have a chance to grow and fester.
Here's the big one: It's not fair!
OK, Jackie, guess what - life is not fair. You have the genetics you were given, the habits you developed, and the desires you have to deal with. You can mope about it and continue to self-destruct with food or you can make healthy choices and enjoy a new life. What's it going to be?

Wow - I needed that. Time to move on one positive choice at a time.

New Rules

So, I know myself well enough to know that I can't just grab a recipe book and jump into a low-fat eating lifestyle 'cold turkey'. I've decided to warm up with a few new rules.

First of all - no more fast food. Eliminating the weekly trip to McD's etc. will cut out a lot of grease. Now- how to make it happen. I usually send the hubby to a burger place for our dinner on nights I am too stressed/worn out to cook. Solution - cook ahead and freeze some easy meals.

Second - back to 2% milk for me and the girls.

Third - Find snacks that are under 30% fat so I have healthy alternatives when I go to raid the kitchen.

Fourth - Cut down to 1 pop a day. That means drinking more water.

Fifth - how to deal with pizza Fridays - add a salad or talk the hubby into spaghetti instead

Sixth - find time for exercise (oh, and desire/motivation)

That's my starter plan. I am also reading a few books to get motivated and educated. =)


oh and don't forget whole grain bread. yum

So, after a week of intense abdominal and back pain, the dr says I have a 'fatty liver' and need to go on a low-fat diet.

I have many reasons to improve my health: 2 amazing little girls who need a mommy with energy, a husband who deserves a life-mate who embraces life, my own desire to not feel miserable all the time, ...

However, I have lots of things holding me back: 38 years of poor eating habits, depression that feeds my emotional eating habits, sugar addiction, ....

So, I am at a crossroads. I want to follow the road to health. I have tried so many times before, but keep ending up back here. I am starting this journal mainly to express my thoughts and keep myself accountable. I am hoping to find friends and prayer support as well.